The Comparison Trap

Today has been awesome. You wore your brand-new Nikes to school and felt like a total superstar walking down the halls. Then you got your history test back with a nearly perfect score. (Looks like those weeks of studying paid off!) At home, Dad even made your favorite for dinner, extra cheesy chicken quesadillas. You plop down on the couch after polishing off a second helping, feeling totally relaxed and content.

Until you check your phone. That’s when the doubt creeps in.

You scroll past Sarah’s beaming selfie with the caption Guess who got a perfect score on her history AND algebra tests?!

You open the Snap that Max sent of his #OOTD. He’s wearing the same Nikes you have, plus the hoodie you were both eyeing at the Supreme store last weekend.

Then you see Omar’s TikTok. He’s having dinner with some of your friends at that new pizza place you’ve been dying to try, and they’re all laughing at what you’re sure is an inside joke.

Suddenly, your amazing day starts to feel sort of . . . blah. Does this sound familiar?

If you answered yes, you’re not alone. Twenty-three percent of teens say scrolling through their feeds makes them feel worse about their own life. Why? It starts with the fact that much of the time we spend on social media is devoted to looking in on other people’s lives. We binge vlogs of influencers showing off their clothing and skin care hauls filled with the best brands. We watch YouTubers live stream the newest games from their top-of-the-line, super cool gaming setups. We double-tap pics of perfect-looking celebrities lounging in their beautiful mansions. And while we’re looking at all these people, we start comparing ourselves with them. Before long, we can get stuck in a spiral of thinking I wish that were me.

While these feelings are normal, experts say comparing ourselves with others on social media can take a toll on our mental health. The good news is, there are ways you can start to feel better. And don’t worry, they don’t involve giving up your Snapchat or TikTok for good.

Today has been awesome. You wore your brand-new Nikes to school. You felt like a total superstar. Then you got your history test back with a nearly perfect score. (Those weeks of studying paid off!) At home, Dad made your favorite meal for dinner. You plop down on the couch. You feel relaxed and content.

Then you check your phone. That’s when the doubt creeps in.

You scroll past Sarah’s selfie with the caption Guess who got a perfect score on her history AND algebra tests?!

You open the Snap that Max sent of his #OOTD. He’s wearing the same Nikes you have. Plus, he’s got the hoodie you were both eyeing at the store last weekend.

Then you see Omar’s TikTok. He’s having dinner at that new pizza place you’ve been dying to try. He’s with some of your friends.

Suddenly, your amazing day starts to feel sort of . . . blah. Does this sound familiar?

If you answered yes, you’re not alone. Twenty-three percent of teens say scrolling through their feeds makes them feel worse about their own life. Why? Much of the time we spend on social media is devoted to looking in on other people’s lives. We binge vlogs of influencers showing off things from the best brands. We watch YouTubers live stream the newest games from their super cool gaming setups. We double-tap pics of perfect-looking celebrities in their beautiful mansions. And while we’re looking at all these people, we start comparing ourselves with them. Before long, we can get stuck in a spiral of thinking I wish that were me.

These feelings are normal. But experts say comparing ourselves with others on social media can be bad for our mental health. The good news is, there are ways to feel better. And don’t worry, they don’t involve giving up Snapchat or TikTok for good.

We all compare ourselves with others—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Comparison helps us figure things out and learn about the world around us. It’s also how we grow and improve ourselves as people. In fact, scientists say humans have been comparing themselves with others for this reason for thousands of years.

In ancient times, a hunter might have compared their skills with a neighbor’s skills to become a better hunter. Was the neighbor using different tools, or hunting in a different area? And was doing that helping them find more food? By observing others’ abilities and actions, then comparing those with their own, people figured out how to survive—and thrive.

In the 1950s, a psychologist named Leon Festinger found a way to describe this behavior. He called it the social comparison theory. The theory says that humans are naturally inclined to compare themselves with others, and that doing so not only helps us learn and develop our abilities, it also helps us form our identities.

As a teen, you’re still figuring out who you are as a person. And that means social comparison is actually a pretty important part of growing up, explains Kimberly Alexander, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

Alexander says comparing yourself with others can help you discover new interests, set new goals, or connect with new people. If you see someone skateboarding at the park, for example, you might think: I’ve never done that. I want to try it! And you could wind up with a new hobby you love. Or maybe you’ll start listening to a new type of music because someone else does and find that it’s something you really enjoy.

We all compare ourselves with others. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. Comparison helps us figure things out. It helps us learn about the world. It’s how we grow and improve. In fact, scientists say humans have been comparing themselves with others for this reason for thousands of years.

In ancient times, a hunter might have compared their skills with a neighbor’s skills to become a better hunter. Was the neighbor using different tools or hunting in a different area? Was doing that helping them find more food? By observing others and comparing their skills and actions with their own, people figured out how to survive—and thrive.

In the 1950s, a psychologist found a way to describe this behavior. His name was Leon Festinger. He called it the social comparison theory. The theory says that humans are naturally inclined to compare themselves with others. Doing so helps us learn and develop our abilities. It also helps us form our identities.

As a teen, you’re still figuring out who you are as a person. So social comparison is an important part of growing up, explains Kimberly Alexander. She’s a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

Alexander says comparing yourself with others can help you discover new interests, set new goals, or connect with new people. For example, you see someone skateboarding at the park. You might think: I’ve never done that. I want to try it! Now you have a new hobby you love. Or maybe you’ll start listening to a new type of music because someone else does. You discover you really enjoy it.

But in a world dominated by social media, we have to be careful with comparison. Apps like TikTok and Instagram give us something humans have not always had: a constant look into other people’s lives.

At any time of day, we can watch our favorite YouTubers eat breakfast. We can follow along on their shopping trips and vacations. With this limitless access, experts say, we can start to compare ourselves with other people so often that it becomes unhealthy. It can leave us feeling tired, overwhelmed, or bummed out.

What’s more, a lot of what gets posted is filtered or edited or skewed in some way. That means we’re not always seeing an accurate reality on social media, explains Sophia Choukas-Bradley, a psychology professor who studies teens and social media.

“Online, everyone is posting highlight reels of their best selves,” she says.

As a result, we wind up measuring ourselves against unrealistic standards that are simply impossible to attain. For example, if someone posts only when they’re socializing and not, say, when they are home alone eating chips on the couch, it may appear like that person is more popular or always having more fun than you, she explains. They’re probably not—but it feels like they are, and that’s what hurts.

Marlo Arend, 12, can relate. She used to watch #GetReadyWithMe videos with her friends. She enjoyed seeing vloggers share their clothing hauls and skin care routines. But at the same time, she’d find herself feeling jealous. The worse she felt, the more time she spent scrolling. Often this is our brain’s way of looking for something to reassure us or make us feel satisfied—even if it actually leaves us feeling worse.

“I remember watching videos of people who I thought had better lives than me,” Marlo says. “Being on social media started to make me feel really tired.”

And the highs and lows that we experience while scrolling can sometimes feel more intense as a teen because certain parts of the brain are still developing. That’s also part of why it can be hard to remember that what you’re seeing on your feed isn’t always real or the full picture.

Today the world is dominated by social media. So we have to be careful with comparison. Apps like TikTok and Instagram give us something humans have not always had: a constant look into other people’s lives.

At any time of day, we can watch our favorite YouTubers eat breakfast. We can follow along on their shopping trips and vacations. Experts say we can compare ourselves with other people so often that it becomes unhealthy. It can leave us feeling tired, overwhelmed, or bummed out.

Also, a lot of what gets posted is filtered or edited or skewed in some way. So we’re not always seeing an accurate reality on social media, explains Sophia Choukas-Bradley. She’s a psychology professor. She studies teens and social media.

“Online, everyone is posting highlight reels of their best selves,” she says.

As a result, we measure ourselves against unrealistic standards. They are impossible to attain. For example, someone might post only when they’re socializing, not when they are home alone. It may seem like that person is always having more fun than you, she explains. They’re probably not. But it feels like they are. That’s what hurts.

Marlo Arend, 12, can relate. She used to watch #GetReadyWithMe videos with her friends. She enjoyed seeing vloggers share their clothing hauls and skin care routines. But she also felt jealous. The worse she felt, the more time she spent scrolling. Often this is our brain’s way of looking for something to reassure us or make us feel satisfied. But it can actually leave us feeling worse.

“I remember watching videos of people who I thought had better lives than me,” Marlo says. “Being on social media started to make me feel really tired.”

The highs and lows we feel while scrolling can be very intense as a teen. That’s because certain parts of the brain are still developing. That can also make it hard to remember that what we see on our feed isn’t always real or the full picture.

So what can we do to stop comparing?

The fact is, social media isn’t going away anytime soon. Because of this, experts agree that cutting it out completely isn’t always the best or most realistic solution. Instead, Choukas-Bradley suggests learning how to use social media in a healthier way. One idea? Take breaks from it.

That’s what Marlo tries to do. When she feels down, she stays away from certain apps for a few days.

Instead of scrolling, she plays with her cats. She hangs out with friends and does art projects. The time away doing things she enjoys makes her feel better.

“After breaks, I feel calmer and happier,” she says.

Choukas-Bradley also suggests tailoring your social media so it serves you better. Start by asking yourself: What am I looking for on social media? The answer can help you edit your feed. If you’re curious about cooking, for example, maybe follow more food bloggers. And if the fashion influencer who only shows herself wearing really expensive clothes makes you feel anxious or down, consider muting her posts.

And finally, remember this: No one’s life is perfect—no matter what it might look like when you pick up your phone.

So how can we stop comparing? Social media isn’t going away anytime soon. So experts agree that cutting it out completely isn’t always the best or most realistic solution. Instead, Choukas-Bradley suggests using social media in a healthier way. One idea? Take breaks from it.

That’s what Marlo tries to do. When she feels down, she stays away from certain apps for a few days. Instead of scrolling, she plays with her cats, hangs out with friends, and does art projects. Doing things she enjoys makes her feel better. “After breaks, I feel calmer and happier,” she says.

Choukas-Bradley also suggests tailoring your social media so it serves you better. Ask yourself: What am I looking for on social media? The answer can help you edit your feed. If you’re curious about cooking, follow more food bloggers. Does the fashion influencer you like actually make you feel anxious or down? Then consider muting her posts.

Finally, remember this: No one’s life is perfect no matter what it might look like when you pick up your phone.

Once upon a time, there lived a stone-cutter. Every day, he went to a large boulder on the side of a mountain and cut out slabs of rock for gravestones or houses. He was good at his job, and he had plenty of customers. For a long time, he was quite happy and asked for nothing better than what he had.

But in the mountain lived a spirit, which now and then appeared to grant people wishes. The stone-cutter had never seen the spirit, and he only shook his head with an unbelieving air when anyone spoke of it.

Once upon a time, there lived a stone-cutter. Every day, he went to a large boulder on the side of a mountain. He cut out slabs of rock for gravestones or houses. He was good at his job and had plenty of customers. He was happy, and asked for nothing better than what he had.

But in the mountain lived a spirit. Now and then the spirit appeared to grant people wishes. The stone-cutter had never seen the spirit. He shook his head with an unbelieving air when anyone spoke of it.

One day, the stone-cutter carried a gravestone to the house of a rich man. There he saw all sorts of beautiful things of which he had never even dreamed. Suddenly, his daily work seemed to grow harder and heavier.

He said to himself: “Oh, if only I were a rich man and could sleep in a bed with silken curtains and golden tassels. How happy I should be!”

And the voice of the mountain spirit answered him: “Your wish is heard. A rich man you shall be!”

The stone-cutter looked around but saw nobody. He picked up his tools and went home. But when he reached the little house where he lived, he stood still with amazement. His wooden hut was gone. In its place was a stately palace filled with splendid furniture. He was nearly beside himself with joy, and in his new life the old one was soon forgotten.

Then one morning, he looked out his window. A grand carriage passed by, drawn by servants dressed in blue and silver. In the carriage sat a prince.

The stone-cutter said to himself: “Oh, if only I were a prince and could travel in such a carriage. How happy I should be!”

And the mountain spirit answered: “Your wish is heard; a prince you shall be.”

And a prince with a grand carriage he was.

One day, the stone-cutter carried a gravestone to the house of a rich man. There he saw many beautiful things he never could have dreamed of. Suddenly, his daily work seemed to grow harder and heavier.

He said to himself: “If only I were a rich man. I could sleep in a bed with silken curtains and golden tassels. How happy I should be!”

And the voice of the mountain spirit answered him: “Your wish is heard. A rich man you shall be!”

The stone-cutter looked around but saw nobody. He picked up his tools and went home. But when he reached his little house, he stood still with amazement. His wooden hut was gone. In its place was a stately palace filled with splendid furniture. He was filled with joy. In his new life, the old one was soon forgotten.

Then one morning, he looked out his window. A grand carriage passed by, drawn by servants dressed in blue and silver. In the carriage sat a prince.

The stone-cutter said to himself: “If only I were a prince. I could travel in such a carriage. How happy I should be!”

And the mountain spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. A prince you shall be.”

And a prince with a grand carriage he was.

Yet it was not enough.

He looked around for something to wish for, and when he saw that the rays of the sun had scorched his grass, he cried out: “The sun is mightier than I! Oh, if only I were the sun!”

And the spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. The sun you shall be.”

And the sun he was. But soon, a cloud covered him.

The sun cried out: “This cloud is mightier than I! Oh, if only I were a cloud!”

And the spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. A cloud you shall be.”

And a cloud he was. He caught the sun’s beams and held them. But that was not enough. For days, he rained on everything below. Rivers overflowed their banks. Crops of rice stood in water. Villages were destroyed. Only the great rock on the mountain remained unaffected.

The cloud cried out: “Is the rock mightier than I? Oh, if only I were the rock!”

And the mountain spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. The rock you shall be.”

And the rock he was. Proudly he stood. But one day he heard a strange noise at his feet. He looked down to find a stone-cutter chipping away at his surface.

The rock cried out: “Is the stone-cutter mightier than I? Oh, if only I were a stone-cutter!”

And the mountain spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. A stone-cutter you shall be.”

And a stone-cutter he was once more.

His work was hard.

His house was small.

But he did not long to be something or somebody else.

At last, he was happy.

Yet it was not enough.

He looked around for something to wish for. Then he saw that the rays of the sun had scorched his grass. He cried out: “The sun is mightier than I! If only I were the sun!”

And the spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. The sun you shall be.”

And the sun he was. But soon, a cloud covered him.

The sun cried out: “This cloud is mightier than I! If only I were a cloud!”

And the spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. A cloud you shall be.”

And a cloud he was. He caught the sun’s beams and held them. But that was not enough. For days, he rained on everything below. Rivers overflowed their banks. Crops of rice stood in water. Villages were destroyed. Only the great rock on the mountain remained unaffected.

The cloud cried out: “Is the rock mightier than I? If only I were the rock!”

And the mountain spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. The rock you shall be.”

And the rock he was. Proudly he stood. But one day he heard a strange noise at his feet. He looked down to find a stone-cutter chipping away at his surface.

The rock cried out: “Is the stone-cutter mightier than I? If only I were a stone-cutter!”

And the mountain spirit answered: “Your wish is heard. A stone-cutter you shall be.”

And a stone-cutter he was once more.

His work was hard.

His house was small.

But he did not long to be something or somebody else.

At last, he was happy.