Help! My Friends Are Fighting

It’s Friday, and you can’t wait to hang with your best friends Lucas and Michelle after school. You were hoping to stock up on snacks and watch a scary movie. But at lunch, Lucas and Michelle got into an argument over something that happened on the bus this morning, and now they’re not speaking.

Part of being a good friend is stepping in to help them figure this out, right?

Not exactly.

Turns out, it’s usually best to stay out of your friends’ disagreements, explains Phyllis Fagell, a middle school counselor and author of Middle School Matters. That can be tricky, especially if you’re asked to take sides. But there are things you can do to make navigating your friends’ conflict less stressful. Here are some tips to help protect everyone involved from unnecessary drama.

First, take a step back and ask yourself a couple questions. Were you part of the argument? Did you witness it? If the answer to either question is no, there’s no reason for you to get involved, says Fagell. In fact, you could make things worse if you do.

It’s human nature for someone involved in a disagreement to seek out reassurance from their friends. But adding more people into a conflict doesn’t usually help. Instead, it elevates the drama and can turn a small problem into a bigger one.

“Most of the time, if no one else is pouring gasoline on the flames, the disagreement is going to die out and get resolved faster than if a million people are pulled in,” explains Fagell. “So you’re actually helping by staying out of it, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment.”

Plus, if you weren’t there when the disagreement started, you might not get the full story. And intervening without having all the facts is risky. You could hurt someone’s feelings if you accuse them of doing something they didn’t actually do, for example.

Not getting involved doesn’t mean that you can’t be a good friend though. If either friend reaches out to vent about the situation, it’s OK to listen and be there for them. But rather than taking a side or commenting on the argument, simply support your friend’s feelings.

“Come from a place of curiosity and empathy,” says Fagell. “You can say, ‘That sounds really hard. What are you thinking might be the best way to handle it?’ or ‘It sounds like this really hurt your feelings. Have you talked to them about how you feel?’”

Listening and empathizing in this way shows your friend that you are there for them without you inserting yourself into the conflict. It might even help strengthen your friendship.

“You’re probably going to be a better friend, and considered more trustworthy and reliable, if you’re known as somebody who isn’t always getting in the middle of other people’s business,” says Fagell.

Another tip? If you feel like your friend is very upset and might say something they’ll regret, you could recommend they take some time to cool off before talking to the person they’re arguing with. You could also suggest a fun activity for you and your friend to do together that might distract them or lighten the mood.

An important thing to keep in mind when friends are fighting, though, is that it’s not your job to fix things. You probably have a lot going on in your own life, and taking on someone else’s issues can be draining.

If things are feeling stressful and exhausting, it’s OK to be a little self-protective and prioritize your own feelings. You can take a step back from a person or situation if you need a break. That might mean staying friendly in school but spending less time together outside of it. You don’t always have to respond to texts immediately if you don’t want to, says Fagell, and you can avoid situations where you’re likely to get pulled into the drama. If you know Saturday’s sleepover is going to be tense, for example, it’s OK to say you’re busy and can’t go.

Of course, it’s tough to see friends argue, especially if they are close friends. But part of growing up is recognizing that friendships grow and change over time. Your friends might need to take a break from each other for a while, and that’s OK.  

“Maybe they’ll find their way back to one another,” says Fagell. “As hard as it is, you just have to be patient.”

The fact is, you can’t make somebody resolve something if they don’t want to. In the meantime, you can still hang out one-on-one with each friend and be there for them as best you can—while also protecting your own feelings.

^{This article was originally published in the March 2025 issue.}