Is it Wrong to Cancel Plans?

Most of us are taught that when we make a commitment, we should stick to it. Whether it’s agreeing to sit with someone at lunch, arranging to coordinate costumes for a party, or scheduling a study session, when you say you’ll do something, you should do it.

Right?

Generally, the answer is yes. Keeping your word means you’re someone who can be trusted. It means that you have integrity. But what happens when you want—or need—to back out?

A good approach is to first take a step back and ask yourself some questions. Will canceling your plans hurt others? If you stick to your plans, what will you be giving up? Are you bailing on something important that can’t be rescheduled, such as a birthday party? Or is it something more casual that you could easily do at a later date?

And most important, why do you really want to cancel? Are your motives honorable?

Let’s take a look at a few scenarios. Say you agreed to sit with a friend at lunch, but then someone else asks you to sit with them—someone you really want to be friends with. Should you ditch your friend for this other person?

“This would be a scenario where I would say stick to your initial promise,” says Phyllis Fagell, a middle school counselor and author of Middle School Matters. “Not just out of kindness but because it has to do with the kind of person you want to be.” After all, snubbing someone when you get an offer you find more appealing is hurtful.

Now, let’s say you planned to play video games after school with a friend. But then an amazing, onetime opportunity comes along—like a ticket to a Billie Eilish concert. Then what?

In this case, it’s probably OK to cancel. Just be honest about it. Your friend will likely understand—especially if you already have a reputation for being reliable—and might even encourage you to take advantage of the exciting opportunity. When you explain the situation, be sure to propose a new time to get together. That will reassure your friend that you’re not thoughtlessly blowing them off.

Of course, there will be times when you want to cancel because of something personal. Maybe you’re super stressed or utterly exhausted or overscheduled. In this case, the right thing may be to prioritize your well-being.

“You can’t give from an empty vessel,” says Fagell. In other words, taking care of your own needs will help you be a better friend.

Again, honesty is key. You don’t have to go into details about why you need to cancel if you don’t want to. You can simply say you’re not feeling well and you won’t be able to make it. But here’s the thing: If you’re someone who is always backing out at the last minute, your friend may not be so understanding.

“It’s really an argument for conducting your social life with integrity so that when these unusual situations come up, it’s not as loaded,” says Fagell.

^{This article was originally published in the November 2021 issue.}